A Brand New Thing is Funny!
A Brand New Thing
Act I – A Comedy
Comprehensibility Warning – The following text has been issued a comprehensibility rating of “Red Sad Face” due to the following –
- Passive voice: 16.2% of the sentences contain passive voice, which is more than the recommended maximum of 10%.
- Sentence length: 29.7% of the sentences contain more than 20 words, which is more than the recommended maximum of 25%.
- Transition words: Only 27% of the sentences contain transition words, which is not enough.
“A Brand New Thing? – Yeah right! It is to LOL. Good luck with that.“
Certainly uttered by Somebody, somewhere, at some point. Guaranteed
Well friends, this is a Day of Celebration! For today we gather to observe a singularly rare event.
The arrival of an Actual Brand New Thing!
A Brand New Thing is Funny!
As you may recall from the The Messengers’ Plight, my application of Search Engine Optimization (SEO) yielded a simple ‘Keyphrase.’ A ‘Keyphrase’ must represent the impression of the site upon arrival to a random internet pilgrim. This impression in turn will inform my understanding of any traveler who might stumble in uninvited from the blue, and what they were looking for that brought them here.
That Keyphrase was “Preachy Variety Act.”
Oddly, research revealed that my theoretical wandering visitor seeking a Preachy Variety Act represented such a vanishingly small slice of Google’s userbase that it could not be measured by their instruments.
Hurrah! My site appeals to the coveted niche market!
But further investigation yielded the discovery of a great and terrible injustice.
For not one single website exists to furnish the sweet elixir satisfaction to the lonely rover seeking only self-proclaimed enlightenment by means of an amusing and multi-disciplinary exhibition of the arts.
And what is even more shocking?
Nowhere, throughout all the vast and starry expanse of the Googleverse, had the exact phrase “preachy variety act” ever been inscribed!
I was flabbergasted! I was Copernicus realizing that it is the Earth that rotates and revolves around the sun rather than the sun around the Earth! I was Gil Eanes, plotting a course through unknown seas beyond the hitherto impassable “Father of Danger” itself – Abu Khatar!
Though my foot was now planted firmly in this exciting terra incognita, I am but a brave explorer. It remained for the great cartographer “The Google” to grave this newfound territory within its great and holy “Index.”
Friends. That momentous day is upon us.
A Brand New Thing is Funny!
There it is! Extat! And the way is charted! At long last, ye weary traveler yearning only to rest your screen upon the the object of your fading hope, take succor! For the fabled Preachy Variety Act DOES exist! And Google knows the way!
Of course, gentle friends, we must not forget that there is always a dark spirit haunting the discovery and revelation of any Brand New Thing. For without darkness, there can be no light. And verily, has there ever been a more faithful reflection than the internet of all the myriad virtue and vice that may exist within our human hearts?
The shadow cast by this luminous brand new thing, is the dreaded Rule 34 of the Internet.
For you tender souls innocent to its import, steel yourselves. Rule 34 of the internet clearly states that for EVERY possible thing that exists, whether in concept or reality, there exists also its representation through the medium of internet pornography.
And thus, by the transitive law of internet symmetry, at the very instant of its genesis the angelic arrival of a Preachy Variety Act website conjured forth from some louche cul-de-sac of the global network its antipodal double – Preachy Variety Act Porn.
The Daily Stone
